Fusions That Should Never Be IX: Azumanga Tenge
by DB Sommer
Summary: Nagi and Bob arrive at a different school and encounter a different little girl


Fusions That Should Never Be IX

Azumanga Tenge

Standard disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters to the two series that are fused together, which is unfortunate, since I could use the money.

I can be contacted at: 

The most up to date place for my fics is now or mediminer for the naughtier ones.

And onward…

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8:50

It was a normal morning as students slowly filtered onto the school grounds, heading to the main building to get ready for classes.

8:51

8:52

8:53

8:54

8:55

8:56

8:57.

Finally, something worth mentioning happened.

Two figures entered the school grounds. The pair of guys was dressed in uniforms of a different high school. One was short with blond, spiky hair, while his companion was a tall, muscular black youth with dreadlocks.

The blond one shouted out so that all could hear, "Listen up, everyone! I'm Nagi Souichirou and this is Bob Makihara. We're the 'Knuckle bombers'. We heard Todo Academy has the toughest gangs around, so we're going to show you who the real toughest gang is."

Everyone on the school grounds stared at them, not in fear, but in confusion.

The nearest girl to the pair, one with a slender build and a short hairstyle, said, "Aww, you should have said you were here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and you're all out of bubblegum."

A girl with a dreamy cast to her eyes said, "Actually, I have some bubblegum." She held up a bag to show them. "Want some?"

Nagi and Bob looked helplessly at each other.

"Thanks, Osaka." The girl with the short haircut accepted a piece of the bubblegum, then turned to Nagi. "'Knuckle Bombers' is a pretty lame name. You should have chosen something cool, like 'Tomo's Kick Ass Gang'."

"What the hell kind of name is that?" Nagi shouted, insulted that someone would disrespect the incredibly cool name he had chosen for himself and Bob.

"That's a much more stupid name, Tomo," a girl with glasses, who had drawn near the pair, commented.

The short-haired girl turned to her. "And what name would you choose? 'Yomi and Her Amazing Thighs of Thunder'?"

"You are so asking for it!" Yomi raged, barely restrained by several students from attacking Tomo on the spot.

Bob took in the entire situation. He turned to Nagi. "You know, I'm beginning to think we made a mistake."

"There's no mistake," Nagi insisted. He turned to the cluster of students that had gathered around them. "We are here to challenge your school's toughest fighter."

The students looked at one another.

Osaka said, "That would probably be Sakaki. Her hands are so scarred, it's like wild animals chew on them on a daily basis."

"Yeah, she sounds great!" Nagi said, "I want to fight her."

Tomo was quick to sidle up to Nagi, a devious gleam in her eye. "Well, not just anyone can fight Sakaki. She can't waste her valuable time fighting total losers. So in order to prove your worth, you're going to have to pass the, um 'Twelve Challenges of Sakaki'."

"I can pass any challenge," Nagi vowed, incredibly pumped up. He'd probably have to defeat twelve bad guys to fight the boss. It was just like a video game.

"Very well," Tomo said. "The first challenge is to do twenty-five push ups!" She then raced to a nearby storage shed.

That was disappointing. "I can do that in my sleep." Nagi dropped down on his stomach, and then pushed up with his hands.

Tomo reappeared. "With this three hundred pound anvil on your back." She promptly tossed it on him, driving him into the ground.

"Are… you… insane?" Nagi gasped. "No one… can… do that."

Tomo crossed her arms smugly. "Sakaki does them every morning just to maintain her girlish figure."

Bob figured her 'girlish figure' must be similar to a character from Fist of the North Star; Raoh, most likely.

Tomo added, "Be happy it ain't Yomi. She might not look heavy, but believe me when I tell you she's really pushing maximum density."

Gritting his teeth, Nagi snarled. "I… can… do… it." And began doing a push up.

Bob scowled. "Hey Nagi, I think—" He stopped as a little girl with red hair and two pig tails, who looked like she should be in grade school rather than high school, stared up at him. Darn. At least he was used to this. "Hello, little girl. Don't be frightened. I might look big and scary, but I'm not."

"Can you drive a car?" she asked suddenly.

"Um. No. I don't need one, so I never learned."

"Then there's nothing you can do that would scare me," she said, satisfied.

"Uhh, right." This was getting really creepy. Bob tried hard to pretend the girl wasn't there, even though she was staring at him so intently it was like she could see right through him.

"Twenty-five." Nagi finished, his arms feeling like rubber bands and his back feeling like he had a three hundred pound anvil resting on it. He heaved the anvil off and his back felt a little better.

"Challenge one complete!" Tomo said. "Now to an easy one." She rushed off quickly, then came back bearing a number of empty rubber tires with ropes tied around them. "You have to do ten laps around the school dragging these behind you."

"No way! That's stupid!" Nagi snapped.

"Sakaki does it every day to get her blood flowing. She calls it 'the morning jog'."

Nagi grumped, but slipped the ropes around his body. There was no way he would appear weaker than this Sakaki chick. He had just finished putting the last one on, then turned, facing forward, intent on dragging two hundred pounds of vulcanized rubber around the building. He was about to take his first step when he saw a carrot, with a string tied on it, dangling in front of his face. He spun around to see Tomo was now sitting in one of the tubes, stick in hand like a fishing pole.

"What the hell are you doing?" Nagi asked.

She smiled happily. "I'm offering you a reward for encouragement."

"Like I give a shit about a carrot," Nagi snapped.

"I see. You're more of a stick person." Tomo pulled out a baseball bat and cracked Nagi over the head with it.

Despite the pain, Nagi was able to snatch the bat out of her hands and shattered it over his knee. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Encouragement. But now I'm going to need another bat."

"I can do this fine without any encouragement from you!" Nagi began pulling the tires, Tomo shouting out, 'Giddyap little doggie!" at the top of her lungs as he pulled her along as well.

As they went out of sight around the corner of the building, Bob looked down at the little girl. "This isn't Todo Academy, is it?"

The girl shook her head, pigtails tossed idly in the breeze. "Nope."

"I knew it," he sighed. He'd let Nagi make an ass out of himself for another ten minutes, then break the news to him so they could get the hell out of here and find the real academy.

Osaka moved up next to Bob and said, "Excuse me."

He looked down at the girl. "Yes?"

"Is it true what they say about black men?"

Bob's eyes bulged. "How can you ask such a racist, stereotyped question, which is doubly wrong since you're doing it in front of a young girl?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" Bob intoned, his voice like dull thunder.

"I mean I have no idea what the question means. It's just that I hear it on television all the time when someone encounters a black guy, so I thought it was an appropriate question to ask."

Bob held his hands to his head, pain shooting through his skull. "Well, it's not. So don't ever ask it again."

"Okay." Osaka then held out her hand and said, "What's up, my nigg—"

Bob slapped a hand over her mouth. "Never ask that one either, got it?"

Osaka nodded her head.

He really needed to get out of here. But only after Nagi did the laps, since they had followed his directions here and he deserved to be punished for it.

By the time Nagi finished his ten laps, sweat plastered his uniform to his body, his lungs desperately gasping for breath. When Tomo handed him her carrot and patted his head, he actually ate it.

"Second challenge complete. Now on to the third." She walked over to a granite statue depicting a man in a suit, looking scholarly. "You must destroy this statue with your bare hands."

"That's impossible!" Nagi shouted.

"Sakaki does it every morning," Tomo countered.

"Fine." Nagi drew back to hit the statue.

Bob shouted, "You dope, no one can destroy the same statue every morning."

Tomo frowned. "We, uh, replace it every morning. We have the sculpting club on retainer."

It was at that moment that a tall girl entered the school grounds, looking at the scene in confusion.

"Oh, hey, Sakaki!" Osaka waved at the girl.

Sakaki waved back.

"You!" Nagi shouted, and launched himself at the newcomer.

Tomo shouted, "Wait, you still have ten challenges to complete! After the statue, you have to headbutt a rhino unconscious!"

Bob grimaced. This was bad. Nagi was still operating under the impression this was Todo and he wasn't being manipulated by a complete and utter moron, which didn't say a whole lot about his friend's intelligence. In any event, he was about to slaughter a normal girl. "No, wait. It's some sort of mist—"

The words on Bob's tongue died as Sakaki casually backhanded Nagi into a wall, embedding his body in it.

Tomo whistled. "Wow, Sakaki pulled that one. Usually she whacks her opponents through the wall."

"What the hell?" Again, Bob's epithet was cut short as the tiny girl had leapt up to eye level with him, twisting in the air like a corkscrew. Her kicks were so fast she landed a second kick into his face before the first sent him hurling through the air, smashing into a tree.

Slowly, he got up, dazed. He must have been concussed, since he thought he had been kicked by the little girl.

Chiyo said, "All right! You two are tough enough to train. I was worried I'd only be taking on Todo's Juken Squad with my girls, but with you two added to our forces, and a little additional training, we'll win for sure." She gave a satisfied smirk. "That bitch, Maya, won't know what hit her. I'll make her eat her words about me being 'too cute to kick ass'. Hahahaha!"

Bob suddenly had a bad feeling his wishes were about to come true in the worst way possible.

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[End fic]

Hmm. Maybe meshing two school animes with cute chibi girls amongst normal high schoolers isn't the great idea I thought it would be. Ah well, maybe my next fic, Yotsuba: the Gunsmith Cat, will fare better. Ciao, everyone.


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